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Lost & Found - My Athletic Journey Through COVID
Eric Belliveau • Sep 16, 2020

2020 has not been the year that ANY of us were hoping or planning for. As a world, we were thrown and continue to be thrown new challenges that last year at this time could only have been imagined in a movie. A year ago I was finishing up a bucket list race in the Casco Bay Islands, and preparing for my first 70.3 Half Ironman in several years. A year ago I was mentally preparing for how, as an athlete, I was going to go after 2020. And then...it all changed. 

For those of you who don’t know me outside of the walls of 175 Benton Drive, you can usually find me swimming, biking, running my way through Western Mass & New England. I’m always moving, trying to grab a few miles here or there. The bigger the better. And if I’m feeling extra jazzy, the faster the better. 2020 was going to be that kind of year. Big and Fast. After an amazing but physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting run at the IRONMAN World Championships in 2017, I stepped away from the thought of racing with such intent for a while. The thought of going all-in again was daunting. So, I waited until the time felt right. This year of all years was going to be the year. Ironman Louisville was on my race calendar. Additionally, I had received my first Boston Marathon qualifying spot for the race in April. 2020 was setting up to be a year of BIG races and BIG goals. Then the world stopped and my big plans were gone.

As an athlete losing is the thing I work so hard to avoid. I train day in and day out to gain one step or one second on my opponent. I move weights, push faster paces, and log hours of work when no one is watching so that I can give everything on race day. The competitor in me is always trying to find a way to continuously keep improving. I'll ask myself how can I be better today? While I type, I know I am not the only one that will be reading this that doesn’t ask themselves the same question. It’s what drives us. When your driving purpose is taken away from you by a coach’s decision or an injury it hurts but you find a way to process the loss. It’s normal. When all that you have been working for is taken away from you one race, one game, one season at a time your ability to cope and rationalize how to move forward is thrown for a loop.  It’s not normal. None of what we’ve experienced is. 

In the last six months, I have personally lost the Boston Marathon, not once but twice. I’ve lost my biggest race in years, IRONMAN Louisville. I’ve lost countless smaller races with friends and current athletes. I’ve watched the athletes that I coach and work with lose their attempts at so many firsts. First seasons. First Half Ironmans. First PR’s. First trip down Boylston to a blue & gold finish line. I’ve watched hours of work put in to build fitness and hone a mental game that is strong and resolute to only see it wash away upon the receipt of another race cancellation email. The bigger picture that we are all facing now is not lost on me. The necessity of the decision-making by countless race directors and athletic administrators takes precedent, but the loss doesn’t hurt any less.

As an endurance athlete my ability to “endure” and go to a very dark place in preparation for race day is what makes me good at what I do. It helps me outlast a lot of the athletes around me. This time of loss has given me a lot. As with so many other athletes, I had to make a decision, keep on moving or stop. I chose to keep moving and find the good.

This will be the year that we all remember for being downright awful for so many reasons. The collective “WE” have lost so much however I have found peace and joy in the things that I once took for granted. There may not be an upcoming race on the horizon but I can ride my bike like I stole it and love every second of it. I have found time for “more fun things” because I’ve always been too busy training with a purpose. I found more time to spend with friends and family. There is nothing that brings me more joy than blowing bubbles with my two-year-old niece. I have found that my friends are equally as crazy as I am and are willing to go on epic adventures enduring 100’s of miles in a weekend. I have found that my ability to go dark when in race mode needs to be counterbalanced by my closest friends who know and understand where I go and how to pull me back. I have found that while these last few months have been brutal there has been good in them too. Choosing to see the positive and make your own adventures however big or small is what has helped me find a way around the loss.

The Meat Hangover

By Eric Belliveau • 07 Oct, 2020
When it comes to taking meat out of your diet, some people have the idea that they will only see positive changes immediately following this choice. While those positive changes are definitely part of the deal, so is an adjustment period for your body.

We're Trying

By Eric Belliveau • 23 Sep, 2020
We were all thrown on this crazy ride together. Emotions were running high but so were patience, empathy, inclusion, and respect. Most of us could rally behind the #WeAreInThisTogether manta. We wanted to do right by each other - donate to charities, lend a hand, check-in on one another. Do our part. As the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months these dispositions decayed rapidly. I know that this Quarantine order has been going on for a long time. I know that a great number of us do not agree on the why. I know an even greater number of us are “over it”. I am painfully aware of the difference of opinions surrounding the pandemic. It is impossible to NOT be aware of this. This leads us all to frustration, anger, resentment, and the feeling that you are not being heard. Very real and very human emotions! It is okay to feel this way. I am not only writing this from the perspective of a fellow struggling human. I do find myself struggling with everything I mentioned above. Not just daily but multiple times a day. My ability to focus has been challenged by my worry. My ability to create time for myself and focus on self-care has been derailed for fear of other things becoming more pressing. I work on this every day. I am not only writing this from the perspective of one of the business owners who were never given a playbook for this. For weeks on end I thought WTF happened to the business and how would our model need to change and remain viable, how each business owner had to either weather a period in which we were completely shut down or allowed to operate under capacity restrictions, etc. The unknown of what the timeline would bring and whether we would be able to continue our dreams or make an extremely difficult decision of not continuing. This still haunts every one of us daily. I AM very much writing this as a service provider! I am writing this as an impassioned human who genuinely loves what I do for a living. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to have built a career surrounding something I get excited about every day. I am making a stand for all of us that make their living in the service industry. To the receptionist, hostess, waiter, cook, dry cleaner, teacher, technician, barista, utility worker, automobile service technician… It is truly impossible to be inclusive of everyone here.  No one human mentioned above asked for this ‘situation’ we are in. We are sure as hell trying to provide a level of normalcy, service, care, and happiness to the lives in which we choose to serve. With added restrictions, added expense decreased capacity and the fear of being fined or shut down for doing it incorrectly, everyday.

The Meat Hangover

By Eric Belliveau • 07 Oct, 2020
When it comes to taking meat out of your diet, some people have the idea that they will only see positive changes immediately following this choice. While those positive changes are definitely part of the deal, so is an adjustment period for your body.

We're Trying

By Eric Belliveau • 23 Sep, 2020
We were all thrown on this crazy ride together. Emotions were running high but so were patience, empathy, inclusion, and respect. Most of us could rally behind the #WeAreInThisTogether manta. We wanted to do right by each other - donate to charities, lend a hand, check-in on one another. Do our part. As the days turn to weeks and the weeks into months these dispositions decayed rapidly. I know that this Quarantine order has been going on for a long time. I know that a great number of us do not agree on the why. I know an even greater number of us are “over it”. I am painfully aware of the difference of opinions surrounding the pandemic. It is impossible to NOT be aware of this. This leads us all to frustration, anger, resentment, and the feeling that you are not being heard. Very real and very human emotions! It is okay to feel this way. I am not only writing this from the perspective of a fellow struggling human. I do find myself struggling with everything I mentioned above. Not just daily but multiple times a day. My ability to focus has been challenged by my worry. My ability to create time for myself and focus on self-care has been derailed for fear of other things becoming more pressing. I work on this every day. I am not only writing this from the perspective of one of the business owners who were never given a playbook for this. For weeks on end I thought WTF happened to the business and how would our model need to change and remain viable, how each business owner had to either weather a period in which we were completely shut down or allowed to operate under capacity restrictions, etc. The unknown of what the timeline would bring and whether we would be able to continue our dreams or make an extremely difficult decision of not continuing. This still haunts every one of us daily. I AM very much writing this as a service provider! I am writing this as an impassioned human who genuinely loves what I do for a living. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to have built a career surrounding something I get excited about every day. I am making a stand for all of us that make their living in the service industry. To the receptionist, hostess, waiter, cook, dry cleaner, teacher, technician, barista, utility worker, automobile service technician… It is truly impossible to be inclusive of everyone here.  No one human mentioned above asked for this ‘situation’ we are in. We are sure as hell trying to provide a level of normalcy, service, care, and happiness to the lives in which we choose to serve. With added restrictions, added expense decreased capacity and the fear of being fined or shut down for doing it incorrectly, everyday.
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